Making Friends

Bertha W

It's hard enough dealing with the reality of seeing your own Mother living in a place such as this – a “long term care facility;” there is, afterall, only so much worry a person can assume.

Most of us set out to shower all our love and attention on Mom, but soon discovered there was also another insidious process at work – one that seemed to have a will of its own. Suddenly, we found ourselves taking on much more than we could have imagined.

It started with polite hellos in passing, later moving on to surface level banter. Depending upon personalities, it might very well have ended there. We were, after all, made up differently and there were so many factors at play. To my way of thinking, there was no right or wrong ~ people just needed to allow their personalities to carry them.

A few members of our family are prone to reaching out. It might simply have been that we are “people persons,” but I believe there was much more going on than this. There is a real need in this environment ~ beyond simple niceties ~ to share with others who are walking the same path. Even as members of our family moved in and out of this environment, spending as much time as possible with Mom, some of us came to be on a first-name basis with many residents and family members alike. This wasn't a conscious process – it simply happened.

I long ago came to the conclusion this may very well have constituted a coping mechanism. If we were to constantly dwell solely on Mother’s concerns it could have ~ and did at times ~ become overwhelming. Simplistically, I think there is often a process at work that “moves” some people to reach out; when people express an interest in someone or something else ~ putting aside our own selfish concerns for a moment ~ their own problems are somehow rendered less significant.

Whatever the silent motivation, some family members took to it with a passion. All of us ~ no matter how much time we spend at GVM ~ always return to the familiar faces of residents, family members, and staff. For someone who never wanted to step foot in any nursing home, I feel I have truly come a long way; I actually look forward to seeing many of these people ~ I am sincerely curious to know how they are doing or if there is anything new and exciting to share. To this end, we have all become an extended family of sorts. One of my brothers even knows the coffee tastes of some fifteen or more residents ~ whether they take sugar, cream, or thickener. There is comfort in this.

There is also, however, an extremely harsh reality ~ an unspoken but attendant risk ~ that comes with these relationships. Just as you form bonds with these residents and their families you are often dealt a sudden and bitter reminder:

As if ice water is being thrown on your face, you are taught ~ time and time again ~ most of your newfound friends have come to the nursing home to die.