730 Days

"But what minutes! Count them by sensation, and not by calendars, and each moment is a day." (Benjamin Disraeli)

Meaning no disrespect to Mr. Disraeli, my calendar forces me to remember that two years have passed since Mother walked through the doors of the nursing home. Is it possible? 730 days. They came and went without permission; time "truly seems to be the lone thief unchecked by any law." (Napolean I)

Memories come to me, not as streaming videos, but in the form of frozen images ~ like photographs suspended in time. We have all been fortunate to spend considerable time these past two years accumulating cherished images of Mom that may serve to carry us through the difficult days ahead.

~~~~~~~~~~

Time alone with Mother is often hard to come by. Invariably, other family members, friends and nursing staff shuffle in and out of her room making demands, small and large, of her time. Every so often the stars seem to align, however, placing each of us in that proverbial “right place and time,” granting an opportunity to be alone with Mom while she is alert and conversant.

One night will probably always stand out for me.

My family had accepted the invitation to eat dinner with our cousins; while I enjoy a good “Taco Tuesday” as much as the next guy, for some inexplicable reason I chose to stay behind with Mom. I will always be happy I did.

After we finished dinner in her room, Mom began a familiar slow boil towards agitation. She wanted her family at her side and, if that didn’t materialize soon, she was sure to voice a well-worn demand for me to immediately take her home. Ultimately, I convinced her not to consider such a move until her other children returned from dinner. In exchange for her cooperation, Mom made but two demands: (1.) Ice Cream, and (2.) Michael Buble’s “new music” had to go.

The iPod was then set to play Barber’s, “Adagio for Strings.”

In an instant, her entire mood changed.

Gone was any sign of agitation or assured talk of walking the hallways to the front door and beyond. Instead, she seemed to settle into the comfort of the bed and began quietly working her tiny hands through processes she had repeated a thousand times over in her former life; without recipe, visible spices or pans, Mom was again cooking dinner for her children who would soon be coming home.

Her hands are much smaller than I remember; while this could be a failure of my memory it is more than likely a physical wasting wrought by time and disease. Regardless, there remains a beauty, strength and fluidity in her movements. As she continued to reach effortlessly into cabinets from some distant past, I am confident she knew exactly where everything was supposed to be. This was ballet.

She was also in the mood to talk.

I am not altogether sure Mom’s eyesight isn’t failing. But she sees plenty. Even if only viewing the memories of her mind’s eye, Mom seems to create threads of conversation based on what she sees and these images apparently drive her thoughts. One need also understand that moments of cogent thought come in waves for Mom, most often mingled with random meanderings. Some days are certainly better than others; these two hours of conversation alone with Mom reduced me to tears more than once.

~~~~~~~~~~

She spoke of the many people who are coming her way. She was concerned she might not be able to, “feed and clothe all of them.” When I asked if she knew why they are coming, she replied with a simple, “Yes.”

~~~~~~~~~~

As she continued cooking, she noticed that in the midst of the group she could make out the image of her beloved father and, presumably, a dog named “Zippy.” When I asked what her father was doing, she told me that, “he is moving slowly.” While she was genuinely excited about seeing her “Daddy,” there also seemed to be some reticence in her reply.

~~~~~~~~~~

When she eventually spoke of my sister, Mom’s face was suddenly relieved of all tension as she smiled a well known smile. Turning her head to me, she then locked her eyes and soul with mine for the first time that evening while stating unequivocally, “I never knew anything about love until my girl came into my life.” “My Jeannie. My beautiful little girl.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts eventually turned again to her father. Only this time she decided to write him a letter; she insisted I find some paper and a pen. Mom hadn’t written her famous daily lists in more than a year, but she took the pad and pen and held them both in her familiar left-handed manner developed over a lifetime. In the end, only the word “Dad” was legible among random threads of scribble, but even that single word resembled nothing of her familiar script. When I asked what she had written, she said, “Daddy. Walk slowly ... I’m not ready.”

~~~~~~~~~~

“Will you set me free?” She said it over and over again. Cupping her small right hand to my face, she again engaged my eyes and implored me to set her free. I don’t know what she meant. She has so long begged to go home but home may now hold a very different place in her mind.

~~~~~~~~~~

“I want all of my boys to lift me and carry me home.”

~~~~~~~~~~

My family eventually returned to the nursing home with the ice cream that had been part of our original bargain. As they each settled in alongside Mother’s bed to eat their sundaes, there was nothing I could do but leave the room. The emotions of the evening had run strong; I was spent.

The last thing she had told me before they entered the room took me to an entirely different place:

“When Daddy comes for me, I want to walk through a field of petunias until I reach the edge. And when we get there, I want to return to the center of the field.”

“Why?” I asked.

She looked at me, again, before answering,

“I will be home.”