Mother has been visiting my dreams; she is young and beautiful again, exactly as I remember her from my childhood. She then moves toward me and stares directly into my eyes while painfully asserting,
“I wanted to go home and you wouldn’t let me.”
I don’t sleep following these dreams. Instead, I spend time trying to convince myself she is wrong; after all, I hadn’t actually had a say in the matter. But, I am painfully aware she has never liked being in the nursing home ~ at least when she was able to fully process and articulate such thoughts.
Eventually I convince myself she must, on some level, understand that making the fateful decision was extremely traumatic for every member of our family.
There simply was no choice.
This might seem incredible but, to my recollection, I don’t believe I have ever had a dream specifically involving Mother, especially odd given our intense experiences over the past two years and more. If there is any one factor that might explain her appearing to me in my sleep these past few days, it is likely because we have all been riding a non-stop roller coaster of emotions these past few days.
Many have fallen prey recently to a particularly vicious respiratory bug that has been blazing a trail across the country. I can personally vouch for its sting. While not certain if I have ever had the flu, I am now convinced my experience with this unwelcomed intruder could not be far removed.
As with any outbreak, the elderly, who are particularly vulnerable to virulent assaults, have not been spared; many residents in Mother’s nursing home have suffered the full wrath of this virus. And while most are recovering slowly, a couple of these elderly residents have been recently felled.
Unfortunately, this is the scenario which has generated so much concern for Mother these past few days.
Rarely requiring even over-the-counter pain relievers, Mom suddenly began complaining of daily non-specific body aches late last week. Over the next couple of days, she then began to demonstrate some nominal upper airway congestion. No problem. We used the available drugs at our disposal so as to dry up the secretions and all seemed to be going well.
Until Sunday night.
Just as one of my brothers arrived from out of town, Mom began to sound as though she was awash in fluid within her lungs. Our sister, getting off of the phone after trying to speak with Mother, was horrified by what she had heard; the only words Sister could utter were, “She is drowning!"
This is a noise you never want to hear.
Yet another drug was ordered to further manage the secretions, Hospice was put on alert, and Mom very quickly withdrew further into her own private world.
No matter how long we have anticipated a dramatic decline in her condition, no matter how hard friends have worked to assuage our collective concerns, the oft-told axiom holds true ~ at least for me:
“You are never prepared.”
“It’s just that when I go into that room, I am now left not knowing what to do. I can’t even tell if she even knows I am here!"Even before the dread virus entered our lives, attempting to wrest Mother even further from our grasp, we had all been dealing with the reality of her worsening dementia.
Many a friend has done his/her best to convince all of us that we have been doing everything for Mother “just by being there for her!”
My mind understands this.
But, my heart can't.
Intellectually, I grasp what has been happening to Mother over time, but the only indelible image I have in my head is not the face of the elderly woman lying unresponsive in the nursing home bed but an idyllic image of the younger woman who raised all of us.
“Mother doesn’t know who I am. She is just lying there with her eyes closed or, worse, wide open with nothing but a vacant look on her face. This is the woman who was everything to me when I was a little boy. But, who am I to her now?”
I can’t adequately express just how hard it is to look on as someone you truly love ~ like this woman who actually still resembles our Mother ~ who has lost so much of what made her the person you knew.
A thousand thoughts keep swirling through my head.
Dad did it right. He drove home, went to bed after a great dinner with Mylla, Uncle Jim and Kathy, and never woke up.
While the aftermath of that experience proved incredibly painful, I am convinced it is a far worse fate watching as someone you love dies ever so slowly from a progressive degenerative disease compounded by the twisted effects of dementia.
Nature allows for this double jeopardy; suffering two deaths is a cruel fate.
“Relationships are made of a multitude of invisible things” such as memories, shared experiences, hopes and fears. But when a person slowly disappears with dementia, family members and friends are left alone. It has been likened to “holding a string with no kite.”
A person might work hard to sustain himself after these losses, but the “invisible stuff” that ultimately makes up valued relationships becomes lost forever.
Exactly like a splinter under your skin. Even unseen, that splinter is no less painful.
As yet another sad attempt has been made by one unwelcome Hospice nurse to cavalierly declare Mother’s life to be at an end, I am here to reiterate my firm belief that we ~ none of us ~ has a say in the matter.
The virus will run its course but I suspect Mother and the hand of God will ultimately be the guardians of her fate; after all, no one can deny Mom has proven, time and time again, to have an amazingly resilient soul.
If asked, I would admit to being somewhat guilty of not wanting to let go. I would love to have the Mother I once knew back ~ more than you can possibly imagine. This is still the woman who signed my report cards. This is still the woman who sent me to school, fed and clothed, every day. This is the woman who made certain there was food on the table at night as well as orchestrating ridiculously memorable Thanksgiving, Birthday and holiday celebrations.
I do most certainly want her back.
But, of course I know the fantasy will never come to pass.
In the meantime, her family will do its level best to take comfort in all of the little things. If given another opportunity, I won’t bemoan the fact that Mother can no longer fully enjoy a favorite song as she was capable of doing even a month ago; instead, I will work hard to simply enjoy watching one of her toes move to the rhythm of a “Rhapsody on a Theme by Paganini.”
We are all committed to do whatever it takes to fill whatever is left of her life with happiness and joy.
And in the end, when she has made her final decision, I will honor her wishes by surrendering to the greatest act of love available to everyone … by letting her go.
Maybe then, our eternally vibrant and beautiful young Mother will no longer haunt my dreams; perhaps, she will come and carry her youngest son on a walk to visit with her father in the middle of that beautiful field of flowers she has spoken of before.
I would surely welcome such a dream.
Time and time again.
